I listen to music on a good pair of noise canceling headphones when I paint.  Yesterday, I found myself dancing and jumping around to the music.  I felt so good; my body so in tune.  It was pure joy and passion.  It felt like laughter.  So, maybe I don't have to travel to unseen worlds if I have this in my life.  If I can laugh with the pure joy of being.  

I'm reading a book called Laughing Your Way to Grace.  The author talks about why no one laughs in church. She says it's not surprising given the image with which most Christians grow up.  They see God as an unsmiling and vengeful; certainly never laughing.  She talks about how these images of God form in our childhood along with that whole list of rules that follow us throughout our life.  You know the ones; you can't have dessert until you eat your dinner, you can't go out and play until you finish your homework, you can't....., you can't....., you can't. She says we continually say "no"  to life's joys and desserts.

I guess the question is "why"?  Is there some end we are working toward that necessitates us following the rules?  She uses a quote from Erma Bombeck that clearly identifies the problem:  "Think about the tragic nature of the women on the Titanic who, on that fateful evening, said no to dessert."

I don't want to say no to dessert, and joy, and laughter, and passion and freedom.  I don't see the point.  At the end of the day (or my life) I don't want to have turned my back on joy for a bunch of worthless "shoulds".

It is said that we recreate the emotional scenarios from our childhood.  That we will seek out the kind of relationships that give us the same emotional position we had as children.  Well, I've been digging in the ashes; going over old strife and feelings of inadequacy.  Where did it start?  With an email from an old college friend.  He and his wife are teachers in Morocco.  They are getting ready to move to a small island south of Korea where they were both able to get jobs teaching.   I have recieved pictures of their travels to the most exotic and interesting places.  It's amazing.  Then I was thinking about my friend, Megan, living in Ukraine as a Peace Corp volunteer.

I know it's fear that keeps me from doing anything very adventurous.  I'm pretty sure that's what rules a lot of people's behavior.  It's either fear of the unknown or, in a lot of cases, fear that we disappoint the less adventurous people in our lives.  I think it's a little easier for Megan because she is single.  She's not hampered by the fear driven co-dependency that many couples have.  Obviously not Steven and his wife.  They have kids, and I assume grandkids, so it's not like they have no ties.  I am in awe of these fearless people.  

Needless to say, my life pales in comparison.  What holds me back?  Well, I have kids, but they have their own lives; that's as it should be.  I'm not in a relationship so that saves me from that whole other ball and chain. Maybe I'm just too comfortable to take many risks.  It's safe here in my little life.  I wonder, on my death bed, if I will have regrets.  

I had better get into my studio.  It's the one place where I feel accomplished and unafraid. 

I live in an urban Portland neighborhood.  My house, and the surrounding ones, were built over a hundred years ago.  It's really a great place to live.  My niece lives two blocks away, with her husband and children. Yesterday I went to pick up the four year old and, as we stood at the window, she kept saying, "Look at the fox."  We finally looked and sure enough, there was a large gray fox trotting down the sidewalk.  It's so incongruous to see a coyote in the city.  I know my neighbors have chickens......  Anyway, it's always fun to have a different experience.  I think we all get mired down in our day to day existences and it's nice to be jolted out of the ordinary.  

I'm working on the "oil wave" picture.  It's coming along, but slowly.  I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do next, but I'm always looking for new ideas.  I don't know how people stand to paint the same subjects all the time.  I like to do land and seascapes, but other stuff catches my eye too.  I saw a photo of posters being plastered all over a wall.  It could make a very interesting, although meticulous, painting.  I thought I would try to mix some mediums and see if I couldn't replicate something similar.  We shall see.  

My god it's a beautiful day.  I am so grateful for my life and loved ones.  

Finally I'm getting some traction with my painting.  I worked so damned hard on that seascape with the sand without any positive movement.  I finally gave up.  I'm loath to do that because you can't imagine how many unfinished canvases I have.  

I started a new painting that is the waves during the oil spill.  I was struggling with the foreground and then decided to use some of the techniques that I employed on the previous sea/landscapes.  It worked like a proverbial charm.  It looks so cool!  Now I just have to get the rest of it done:-)

Wow,  I had no idea so much time had passed since I wrote.  I think about writing more than I actually do it.

I am now done with all the business of moving, holidays, etc.  I took my time moving in because I really need this to be the last place I live.  I have moved so many times that it's ridiculous.  I know it has to do with restlessness and discontentment, but I think it has a lot to do with hope.  I guess I just kept hoping that if I moved into the perfect place I would be happy.  I always forget that I have to take myself and my life with me. 

You know, I've always thought of myself as pretty smart.  However, when I look back on my life I think that may not be true because otherwise I wouldn't have made so many mistakes.  What amazes me the most is, the older I get the more I realize that what I thought I knew wasn't true.  That a lot of the time I was wrong.  It's kind of embarrassing because I come across as someone who knows what they are doing.  HAHAHAHAHAHA