When I moved here, I had planned on hanging Winter Garden in my bedroom, but when I unwrapped it, I wasn't too happy with it.  So, I worked on it for several days and I love it!  It looks great in my room.  As soon as I can find the tripod and lights I will try to take a photo.  Now I'm working on something new.  I saw some paintings by an artist, in Laguna Beach, that I loved.  They were all of the ocean and looked like photos they were so realistic.  I've always loved being on the beach so I'm painting The Wave.  So far it's exceeding my expectations.  How fabulous is that?

Maybe writing is helping me because today I exercised and painted.  I hate to exercise; really, really hate it.  The painting went fine, but I can see that this studio isn't going to work very well.  The light is crap and there's not enough room.  I finally really miss something about Eugene: my studio. 

So, today I didn't waste too much time. 

I don't believe in an afterlife.  I believe this is it and I don't want to look back and my life and regret that I didn't do the things I could.

I am plagued by this sense that time is running out.  Did you ever hear of someone on their death bed saying, "I wish I'd spent more time on the computer"?  Probably not.  Why then, do we waste what precious time we have?  I think about this a lot.  Probably more time wasting. 

As I've gotten older, I've become aware of things that run deep in me and rule a lot of my behavior. Top two?  When am I going to stop caring what other people think of me and how I look?

Finally I'm putting my studio together.  I decided to put on my headset, while working, and it all came back.  I have been gifted/cursed with such acute emotions.  I know I've never been able to tap them down.  I have loved beyond belief.  I have felt loss....Oh god....I have felt loss.  This is how I'm wired. 

My mother died in January.  I felt pity for her these last two years of debilitation, but not love.  That emotion was wiped out by her enormous cruelty towards me.  I didn't really feel a sense of loss when she died, but I must say she's been visiting me in my dreams. 

My mother use to paint,  but I don't think she got much relief from her turmoil.  Guess I better get busy.

I've been working in my office trying to get organized. This particular move finds me bogged down in menial chores for which I have little liking. I have yet to get my studio operational. I must enjoy delaying my gratification because it's taking me a long time to get settled.

I came across a box of envelopes while unpacking my office. Did you ever buy 500 envelopes and wonder if you would use them all before you die? I lost another friend from my past; got news of his death yesterday. He was 53. I guess he hardly used any of his envelopes.

So, what's the lesson? Live for the present? Stop worrying about stuff like envelopes and make hay while the sun shines?  Don't buy so fucking many envelopes?