I'm thinking about how most of my life's actions have had a catalyst in emotional pain.  I've made decisions because my feelings were so hurt that I saw my only recourse as running away. 

I had surgery last Monday and I'm feeling especially fragile.  My kids have been great; they sent flowers, have run errands and checked in every day.  I've also received emails and texts from a few good friends.  Beyond that....nothing.  Maybe it's the digital age, maybe it's our age of indifference.  Maybe I am WAY too sensitive.

How do you stop keeping score?

I painted today.  It's been a long time coming.  I have tons of half finished canvases in the store room.  Mostly they are ones that didn't work out or are so terrible they need to be painted over.  I finished one for a friend and today started on another. 

I can copy just about anything.  What's really hard for me are abstracts.  Whoever said they were just a bunch of splotches and dabs has never tried it.  I see a lot of abstracts that really wow me.  However, I have never been able to do one that speaks to me that way.  I'm going to keep working on this abstract for a bit.  I just want to see if I can do it. I've been in a pretty bleak place lately and I'm hoping this will catapult me out of it.  It's amazing how distracted I can get.  I'm all wrapped up in having my house on the market and designing the new one, that I don't do the one thing that really feeds me; paint. 

I actually sold one of my more abstract landscapes out of the coffee shop the other day.  Kind of surprised me. 

Yesterday, my sister helped me hang my paintings at Cafe Darwin.  She was asking me how much I wanted for them and I quoted her a pretty high price because I'm loathe to part with them.  It's always more difficult for me when I start painting something new; like the ocean paintings.  My fear is that I will never be able to create something as good or better.  Essentially I don't have much confidence in my abilities.

She suggested that maybe it was better to charge less and get them out there.  "After all", she asked, "What are you going to do with all of them?"   I use to feel like selling them would give me some credibility, but I don't really care about that so much any more.  However, maybe it's time to let go. 

I guess I just need to get to work again.   I can get easily distracted by the holidays or remodeling projects.  I'm going to start building a studio and what's the point if I'm spending all my time on the job instead of painting? 

Today I went by a field where boys were practicing football in their uniforms.  I was suddenly hit with the memory of how cool it felt to wear a high school uniform.  It made me feel special.  That's feeling is pretty hard to come by these days.  It kind of sucks to be at the invisable age.

I awoke to the alarm this morning and they were playing that song, "if you go to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair".  I can't remember who it was by, but it took me back in a flash.  I clearly remembered our sense purpose; our feelings of uniqueness.  We really believed that our idealism would create this wonderful world of the future.  We thought our way would lead to a world where the superficial and monetary were not as important as love.  Where peace would reign.  Boy, were we off the mark.  

It never occurred to us that the world would get scarier and less peaceful than ever.  That  there would be so much greed and competition; that there would be so much hate and so little love. 

I never thought I would know so many people not exercising their freedom of choice; that they would be OK living in the boxes created for them by society.

No wonder I've walked around all day with a feeling of disappointment.  What happened?