I just got home from a road trip to California.  I went down for the memorial service of an old friend and to see my daughter.  The friend died of ovarian cancer at the age of 60.  She was one of those women of which nothing bad could be said.  She truly was liked by all and her tributes were many.  Her husband had made numerous collages of their photos and it was great to see pictures of us with our babies and young children.  Why does looking back give us the impression that everything was simpler then?  I know it wasn't, but what drives us to think so?

I've posted a couple of new paintings on this site.  I have to admit that I haven't been very prolific this summer.  I'm glad I finished the painting Out My Front Door.  I'd like to say that's what my garden looks like, but I'd be lying.  Let's just say it is similar.  I've not really done such realistic painting, but I just got carried away in the details. My daughter got married in California, which was great fun.  Other than obsessing on that and working on my yard, I haven't done too much painting.

When the weather is nice, I just want to loaf around, go to the farmer's market, and putter in the garden.  I've been picking blueberries every other day and I can eat them by the bowlful.  My other obsession has been getting rid of the snakes in my yard.  I hate snakes and they had just about driven me out of the yard.  I finally hired someone to come clean up the hill and removed all the foliage from around the house.  Then I got these ultrasonic snake repellers that come from Australia and some rodent repellers that are suppose to help.  I learned all this from an online forum.  It was written by people in Georgia that have much more to worry about, snake-wise,  than my little garter snakes.  

It's suppose to be in the 90s today which is the signal for me to stay out of the yard and into the studio. 

I watched the Antique Road Show a couple of weeks ago and there was this guy who brought some treasure in and was being interviewed.  He was probably 50 something and was wearing a black shiny toupee.  Now, mind you, he had eyebrows so I don't think it was a chemo thing.  Anyway I was struck, not for the first time, by how we see ourselves.  As we grow older we sort of squint at ourselves, recognize our youthful familiarity and carry on thinking that's how the rest of the world sees us.  How else do you explain some of the choices people make as their youth fades?

There was a time in my life when I wanted to start a magazine called, "Don't You Know How Stupid You Look?".  I was planning on the first issue being dedicated to men at the gym.  Now mind you, I know lots of women who look stupid too, but men just leave themselves so wide open....  Maybe it's their lack of awareness...

OK, I mean.  What else is new?

Point?  I do it too.  I shower, blow dry my hair, put on make up and get dressed.  I look in the mirror with that sort of squinty look that says I look good and off I go.  Then I walk by a big window somewhere and get a glimpse of myself.  Jesus, I hardly recognize that ordinary, kind of frumpy older woman.  

It sucks.  I want my illusion.   

I have been thinking a lot about competition.  It seems like the entire human race is in a competition; to get there first, to win the jackpot, to to become famous, to have a bigger, better whatever.  I don't think the outcome is positive. 

Occasionally when I can't fast forward through the commercials fast enough, I get a glimpse of a preview for a new reality television show.  My immediate reaction is, "Who would watch this crap?  Who?  And What is our society coming to?".   The answer is actually pretty clear; lots of people must be watching to continue the cycle, which begets more crap.  These television programs encourage people to do the basest things imaginable to get fame and fortune.  Jesus, would you really dress up in some ridiculous outfit, make a fool of yourself, eat worms or swim with snakes to get a prize or some money?  But, I don't think it's about the prizes; I think it's about what Andy Warhol coined as the "Fifteen minutes of Fame" syndrome.  It's about winning. 

And where do I even get started on why we pay such rapt attention to someone like Paris Hilton....  Well, you get my point. 

Then, of course, there is our behavior behind the wheel of our automobiles.  First, people seem to think they are safer if they have the biggest fucking rig they can find.  They are not affected by the cost of gas or the environment.  It's all about them and be damned anybody who gets in their way.  How about the people who wait until the last minute to make a required merge so they can get ahead of everyone possible?  What's that about? Almost worse are the people who try to purposely close the gap so no one can get in.   OK, here's the bottom line; are they getting there sooner?  Not really, so it's not about that.  It's about being first, being chosen, being the important one.. ..winning. 

And don't get me started on the rudeness of the all-important cell phone users.....

On a more personal note, I'm aware of how competition has ruled my life.  I use to be one of those drivers.  Although I have way too much pride to be on a reality show, I wanted the biggest and the best.  These are instincts I fight against every day. 

I was raised in the kind of environment that was a breeding ground for competition.  My father rewarded outstanding behavior and my mother humiliated me whenever possible.  It didn't help that I had an older sister who, it seemed to me, could do no wrong (the flip side being that I could do no right).  I got the sense that winning was everything.  That if you won you wouldn't feel like such a loser.  And, when I did win, after basking in the short term elation, I would just go back to feeling like a loser.  

The only thing I can do is to try and do better. 

UGH!  I've hit one of those down places.  I just keep wondering, "Why bother?"  I don't like it here, but there's not much I can do but ride it out.  God only knows I've been here before.